lightthedarkness | Deerington IC Inbox

[One day he'll do it out loud and it will be the best day ever. ]

I've only spoken to Savage once, but for him to get you to say that, I'm gonna assume something bad happened.

[He doesn't sound impressed by that. Usagi doesn't need anyone protecting her, but he is not going to tolerate people hurting her. Not for anything. ]

You're not failing anyone. You- you can't shoulder Maul's bad choices. They're not yours. It wasn't on you to stop him going on a literal rampage.

[He raises his backpack to the screen, pointedly tossing some alchemy supplies into it.]

Sorry, I can't hear you over all the packing that I'm doing.

That's... putting it mildly. [Even pissed off, Usagi is too nice. He really pissed her off and she doesn't see that opinion changing for a while unless he apologizes, and the day that stupid, sexist, schmuck apologizes without forcing him to do it will be the day this dream ends.

She sighs.] I know it's not- I didn't make those choices, I know it's on Maul. I KNOW that he needs to be responsible for his own actions. We talk about that. [She rubs her eyes.] We talk about not getting forgiveness and how easy it is to ask for it from those who will always give it and how much harder it is to ask for it and not get it.

[She frowns. Does she forgive too easily? She tried to always understand where people came from. She couldn't abandon Maul, not now. She didn't abandon Galaxia. She wasn't going to abandon Maul. But both brothers asked a lot of her, Maul especially.]

Fine, I will... I will GO to sleep. You don't need to come over, Varian, it isn't safe.

[Hmmm that sure is concerning- an edge slips into his tone. It's that same sort of tone one would expect of someone who once went on an angry revenge rampage against those he felt wronged by.]

Usagi, what did he do to you?

[Varian doesn't stand a chance against Savage, but it doesn't mean he sure wouldn't try for her. He exhales slowly, weariness slipping into his tone.]

But how many times can we talk about that and him refuse to learn? I get it, believe me, I get it more than most people do. That's why I've been championing his cause for so long. But- but Usagi, it gets to a point where he's just taking advantage of our goodwill. You know he gave me a whole spiel about wanting to be better but before he even did that he'd basically told Fern his unhappiness didn't matter. Heck, he threw Fern's mistakes right back in his face, like that somehow made it okay for him to have done the things he did.

[That had hurt the most. The false promises and doing that to Fern. He'd felt manipulated and he hated it.]

If I told you that I'd go to sleep if our situations were reversed, would you believe me?

[She switches this to private, even though it's her mailbox but honestly, she rather not have this out for everyone to see. This part of her life is not something she likes to talk about or have known.]

Do? Nothing except yell and scream some pretty sexist nonsense. But he... [She sighs.] He triggered an old... feeling, an old memory. He was sleep-deprived and starving, and Maul had asked me to see to it Savage didn't, ya know, do exactly that and I said yes. A sleep-deprived Savage isn't exactly in a listening mood. So I had to knock him out to get him to go to bed and then had to proceed at yelling him over and over to eat. Well, in all the yelling, he accused me of having a whole agenda for Maul, that I MUST have some big, ulterior reason for doing anything I do for Maul, that I must beat him up to get my way. He then... essentially blamed me for Maul being the way he is now, that Maul isn't the bloodthirsty mastermind he remembered and it was all my fault.

That's not really the big deal part, but, certain things he said, certain ways he said it, was the same way Prince Saphir blamed me for his brother, Prince Demande's actions against me. That is was my fault his brother's personality had changed, that anyone suffered, really. If I didn't exist, his brother wouldn't have been so obsessed with me and I was better off dead... which he then tried to do by pinning me down with, well, I guess robots and trying to kill me with a crystal spike to my chest.

[She scowled.] It's not that I believe any of that and I fought back.

But it's just... AGAIN another younger brother is blaming me and saying it's my fault for his brother not being the way he used to remember anymore.

Considering his ideal is just that I DON'T exist, you can see how that would be a problem in views. Savage triggered that, is all.

He didn't hurt me, he didn't touch me, or say I should be dead. He just... brought up the memories and I'm sort of super sick of being blamed for someone else's changes...

And the irony is not lost on me, Varian.

[Considering what they're LITERALLY arguing about.

She takes a deep breath.]

I... it's not that Maul doesn't learn, it's just that his steps are agonizingly slow. Believe me, he IS learning. But I understand if you don't want to talk to him anymore, and I'm not going to sit here and tell you your feelings toward Maul are wrong. He HAS wronged you, you and Fern and so many others. [And her, but stars know she never really holds a grudge except in a few instances.]

But... Varian, I've seen what people like Maul are like if they are just... left in the dark. They don't go "oh no, my actions have caused everyone around me to pull away," which again, you have every right to do. People like Maul... and Savage, for that matter, will just see people pulling away and go "if no one will be there when this is done, then what's even the point of trying?"

I don't ask that you give him another chance, you have every right not to and I will do what I can not to really bring him up around either of you.

But I can't abandon him, he IS my friend, and I know first hand what becomes of those who are left in the dark.

And... no... no, I don't think I would believe you, so... I guess I'll see you soon.

Edited 2021-05-25 23:03 (UTC)

[He listens to her talk about Savage, trying to bite down on his anger and not doing a great job of it. He kind of wants to do something monumentally stupid, like call the man out on this behaviour- but that would only put himself at risk, and probably Usagi too. Fern as well- because like hell the other boy would let anything or anyone threaten his life.]

Usagi that's- that's ridiculous. He can't just treat you like that. You deserve better, you- you shouldn't have to put up with any of that. I hope you're keeping away from him, and I hope you've made Maul understand that's not- not acceptable.

[Would Maul care? He doesn't even know anymore, he's not convinced Maul has any empathy in him these days.]

...Did I mention how much I hate Demande yet? I feel that needs reiterating.

[If Varian wasn't already 100% committed to keeping him in his Murder Book, he sure is now. He falls quiet again as Usagi speaks, a frustrated noise bubbling out of him.]

You think I don't?. I've been one of those people who are left in the dark. I know first-hand too what it's like to feel like no one cares anymore and has given up on you. I get it.

[He pinches the bridge of his nose, exhaling- he doesn't want to take anything out on her, he's just afraid this is going to destroy her. Usagi doesn't give up on anyone and he's scared that Maul will take advantage of that. ]

I just- how long does he keep getting a free pass on this? How many times is what he's done just... swept under the rug? He murdered me and he told Fern to get over it. Like it didn't matter. Like- like killing me was nothing he should care about.

[And that had hurt- it had kicked up all his self-worth issues. Great to think his own murder didn't matter to the person who did it. ]

Good, glad you see that much sense at least. [He's already out of the door, grabbing a glow tube from the porch as he does so. ] See you soon.

Somehow, I have a feeling that if I say anything, he's just going to chalk it up to my being a woman, so... But yes, I am keeping away from him.

And, no, Maul doesn't know because I haven't told him. I should but it's pointless, honestly. Maul saying something will just make Savage double down on his opinion of me and my changing Maul. [Thaaaaat said, she has a feeling if Maul asks a favor of her regarding the petulant brat, she might hurt someone, probably the brothers.]

Hate away, I hate him too... or at the least, I want nothing to do with him.

[She winces, she didn't mean to suggest Varian's murder was meaningless nor that Maul should keep getting passes.]

I'm sorry, I didn't... I didn't mean it like that. Your anger is more than justified. I'm sorry. I really am. [But she knows herself too well.

She's not going to give up on Maul.]

See you soon.

...Well, that's just stupid thinking. You're probably the most powerful person in this entire town.

[But then, Varian's spent a lot of his time around powerful women back home- the idea that one would be dismissed because they're a woman sounds inconceivable to him. ]

You know what this place is like. Secrets never stay secret for long. I get why you're not telling him, but it might be a good idea to... I dunno, prepare of it coming out sometime.

[Varian heaves out a frustrated sigh.]

I know you didn't, but Maul did mean it like that. Maul doesn't seem to feel like it should matter.

[And naturally, that means he doesn't matter to Maul. That good ol' self-loathing si sliding back in full force.]

See you soon.

[He's on his way, but at least he's smart enough to bring Max with him]

No one said Savage was known for his intelligence. [Usagi is feisty when she doesn't like someone and right now, she doesn't like Savage.] I don't know about most powerful in the entire town but I should be taken seriously enough, yeah. Don't think Savage disregards THAT part of me, honestly. Just more I should be getting my way. [Sexism never makes sense to her.]

It's not a SECRET, if Maul asked I would make my opinion- [No she wouldn't she sighs, they both know she wouldn't. She's so tired.] We'll cross that bridge when we come to it. [She amends.] Maybe by then Savage will- [She stops again, they're IN this whole mess because neither brother is all that STELLAR at apologizing, even to one another.]

I can offer you my thoughts on that, but it won't be what you want to hear.

[Usagi is waiting on the porch of her pink monster of a house, which even it is hidden away by the mist surrounding them. Sunshine, however, is currently standing and waiting for Varian and Max a few miles from Usagi's home. When he sees Varian and Max, the skeleton deer maintains a safe distance from both living creatures but silently walks ahead of them, small monsters falling down dead here and there as it passes.

When she sees Varian and Max, she hurries to the sidewalk.]

Varian!

Usagi, you literally obliterated an ancient demon like he was nothing. Pretty sure you could beat anyone here with one hand tied behind your back. Anyway, Savage is being dumb.

[Sexism is so so stupid.]

I've not super enjoyed most of what we're talking about so far, so might as well add to that.

[Oh god, Varian forgot about Sunshine. Varian makes a surprised noise at the back of his throat, before... right, yes. That's Usagi's. It's fine, it's fine. He gets off Max, eyeballing Sunshine a little bit, before raising his hand in greeting to Usgai.]

Uh.. hey. I'm here.

[Usagi hugs onto Varian tightly, but there's something about the hug, it's tight, yes, but there's... a weariness to it. It's not as tight as it could be, she leans on Varian much more than she normally would.

She rests her head on his shoulder and stays like that for a little bit, closing her eyes. She looks so, so much worse in person. She's thinner, which considering she barely weighed anything to begin with, wasn't great, she was paler, bags were under her eyes. She looked awful and felt it and was trying so hard to not show anyone.]

Hey. [She lets out a breath and finally pulls away, smiling.] Oh! Wait. [She turns to Sunshine.] Thank you for protecting us. [Sunshine nodded and then faded away, another corpse of a mist beast falling down onto the ground dead as he did.]

Come on, let's get inside. Max, I don't have a LOT of apples but one or two are in the garage if you want?

[The hug is ringing all of Varian's alarm bells. This is wrong, this is dreadfully, dreadfully wrong. He's not sure if this is just one thing too much for her to handle or if this is something that has been building for a while. If Usagi has been taking on weight after weight and she's finally hit breaking point. He has a bad feeling that it's the latter and he's kicking himself for not noticing it sooner.

He hugs her a little tighter, raising his head slightly to watch Sunshine wander off. Max snorts, trotting off towards the garage, the siren-call of apples always a winner. Varian stays there for a moment, hugging her close, worry etching deeper into his chest. ]

C'mon. We should get inside where it's safe.

[When Usagi wants to hide all her problems and worries, she does. It helps that literally everything looks normal when she's Sailor Moon and she has been Sailor Moon a lot recently.]

You're right.

[She pulled him inside, the windows to her pink monster were all boarded up to prevent break-ins from the mist monsters and the paint was starting to peel on the walls inside and out, several shingles had fallen off the roof, and so while it was bright and still horrendously pink, it looked as worn as its resident.]

Sorry, there's not a lot of food, we've been donating a lot of it to others. [Since senshi were capable of literally going millennia without food and water.]

But we still have plenty of tea and we've got some rice leftover from last- no wait, uh, that was last week. [She waited for Varian to take off his shoes, already having slipped off her own and into her house slippers. She pressed her lips together.] Oh! Soup, we have soup. Do you like soup? I can reheat some.

[The state of the pink monster is more than a little concerning to him. Sure, everything in town is falling apart, but it's really driving home how unsafe they are. He'd consider carting her off to the Disaster House- which is at least protected by Fern's antler wreath - but he's not convinced she'd ever leave this place. ]

It's okay, Usagi, I don't need food. We have plenty. Fern can grow stuff on himself. Keep your food for yourself, you need it more than I do.

[You don't need to worry so much about food when someone in the house is made of grass, it turns out. That and Fern made a metric shit-ton of soup when he died that they're STILL getting through.]

Besides... I'm not here to eat your food. I'm here to check on you.

[She makes an idle gesture to her little strawberry plant.] Every time you pluck a strawberry, even all of them, they all grow back the next day perfectly ripe and big. It's one of the things I asked Sodder-chan for back in the day.

[She moved to sit on the couch, feeling a bit woozy and lightheaded but trying to play it off as just being lazy and ungraceful.]

I'm okay. [She's not.] I mean, as okay as you can be when the world is ending around you and there's literally nothing you can do to stop it even when that's all you've done your entire life! [She laughs forcefully at the end there.] It's fine, I'm fine. [It's good to be humbled.] I'm useful as Sailor Moon. So, I'm barely home and just off fighting monsters.

Oh yeah, I think I remember you telling me about that one. That is pretty neat.

[He folds his arms, looking very much unconvinced by this entire show. He knows a performance when he sees one and this definitely qualifies. ]

No. You're not fine. You're blatantly not fine. Come on, I can see that much.

I have a kimono as well, that wards off monsters and creatures. [She wears it when she's unable to muster up the energy to transform and needs to get food.]

A nap then, which is what you're to make sure I do. [She waves a dismissive hand.]

Maybe it's a good thing you're here if I nap, you can't be killed if you stay nearby while I do. [She's mumbling but he may very well hear. She takes a deep breath.] So see, you came and I will nap. It's going to be boring for you to watch me sleep, though. You can go home, Vivi.

That's good, that's really useful.

[He rolls his eyes skywards, before shifting his backpack a little.]

I'll be fine. I have some books to occupy myself with and I don't believe you'll actually sleep if I leave you alone, so you're stuck with me until you do. [He smiles a little.] Checkmate.

[He says he'll be fine, but she's terrified of failing in protecting him again. She only ever seems to keep failing the people she loves. A deep, sudden wave of anguish rolled over her and drowned her underneath.

Unbidden and unwanted, tears began to fall and roll down her cheeks. She wiped at them furiously until finally she just stopped and openly sobbed.

She manages to get out:]

I couldn't protect you last time.

[As Usagi starts to cry, Varian's smile abruptly drops. He moves quickly, pulling her into a hug- his usual reluctance around that dissipated in a second. She needs him right now and that's all that matters.]

Hey.

[His tone is gentle but firm. Understanding but not allowing her to tear herself apart for something beyond her control.]

That wasn't on you. Not at all. You'd been taken out, and I don't for even a milisecond blame you for- for what happened. What happened to me wasn't your fault, Usagi.

I can't protect anyone in this place, Varian. I keep... I keep FAILING. I either can't help or I'm the one hurting them. [It would be foolish to think she was "over" October, but she did her best to keep going on with her day, she had to. If she lingered, she'd spiral, and there would be no time to deal with the problems facing them if she did that.]

I'm terrified... [She whimpers out.] I just think if I stop, even just for a second, something will happen again, because it ALWAYS happens again, Varian. It never actually stops. You or Mako-chan, Rei-chan, Mina-chan, and every other person I love. No one is ever safe and I can't... I'm not strong enough to go through it again and again.

If it isn't the world tearing us limb from limb, it's each other.

Edited 2021-06-07 00:08 (UTC)

You haven't failed anyone here. That's... just not true.

[Usagi has done more than most people in this entire town has. He'd stake his entire existence on that fact. He knows she's been taking too much on his shoulders - that much was obvious from space- but he didn't realise just how bad it was until right now. How much she's been keeping inside, ready to boil over. And now it is.

His heart breaks for her, and he hugs her a little tighter- a little more desperately. ]

That's not your fault, you- you know that, right? This- Usagi, this place will do that regardless of if you take a break or not. That's just how this place is, you can't blame yourself for what the town does, that's... that's just not fair to anyone. No one here would want you to blame yourself.

[He knows he sure doesn't- the thought she blames herself at all for what Maul did to him makes his stomach twist in uncomfortable knots. ]

Usagi, don't- please don't blame yourself for stuff out of your control. All you're gonna do is destroy yourself, and do you think anyone who loves you wants to see you do that?

[She hugs onto him, trembling. This is not the first time she's reached her absolute tipping point, it likely won't be the last. She feels awful that, once again, it falls on Varian's head when it's reached, which is another brick of guilt added to her load.

It's cyclical, honestly. As soon as she acknowledges her trauma or problems, she feels awful for even having them, feels worse for "dumping" it on others, and then that adds to her problems all over again.]

I've spent... so many years saving EVERYONE. That's what... That's what I'm supposed to do. I've sacrificed myself again and again and again and if I could I would AGAIN for everyone here. [She sobbed.] But it doesn't work like that. This world doesn't work like that. It took that from me!

[And there it was, a piece she had kept locked up, a secret only the girls knew. They knew perfectly well what her powers were and were capable of. But in the end of ALL of this, when she wanted nothing more than to protect this world most...

She couldn't.

No grand last stand, no joining her powers with others and making a final push against the enemies.

She could face the literal being of Chaos and get brought to her knees by a child and her sadistic grandmother.

Usagi tries to pull away, to pull it all back inside. Some of the pressure has been released from the valve but she's clearly trying to tighten it all back up before more escapes, even as she remains at critical mass.

She's fine. She's fine. She's fine.

She's got her loved ones, they're safe.

What right does she have to complain about any of this when all she is is just tired?

Boohoo, you're tired, Usagi, so is everyone else.]

No... [The words are soft. It's not the most subtle, her trying to reign herself in. She's got to be stronger. She has to be stronger so she can protect her loved ones and keep them safe. There's no time for crying and tears and breakdowns.

The world is literally ending.]

[Varian's quiet for a moment, letting her unload. He's his feelings about her feeling the need to sacrifice herself abundantly clear- he doesn't want to push too hard on that and make here feel worse, but still... ]

It doesn't have to be your job here... you know that.

[It's said a little more gently than he usually is around that subject, but it's still firm. He'll never be okay with this. He holds her a little closer, exhaling softly, his hands moving to rub her back steadily, trying to soothe her. ]

Look. I understand that... that's a big part of your life back home. And I understand it's gotta be impossible to try to deal with. But I can't be sorry about you not being able to throw yourself against the rocks time and time again for the sake of other people.

[The irony was, Usagi wasn't always like this. She used to be 14 and only care about eating, sleeping, reading manga, making friends, and playing video games. She had complained ALL. THE. TIME. about being a superhero and demanding to know why SHE had to do it, why couldn't someone else.

But then she met the girls, Luna, Mamoru. She met people from across the very universe itself because of her powers and abilities.

And... yes, she had a whole bunch of trauma thanks to it too. She had to be the one to deal with it because she was the one who had the ability to. What did that say about her, having endless powers only to be like "nah" and letting those who sought to hurt and harm her home take control.

If you HAVE the ability to do something, you SHOULD do something, even if that meant putting your life on the line. It was no different than people who already did it, firefighters and coastguard and the sort.

There's something, maybe the words he says, maybe the way he holds her, honestly, she can't tell and she doesn't know.

But the pressure valve breaks.

She can't hold back the tears she had been so gallantly trying to reign in.

The flood gates were open, the waves of sobbing crashed against everything, and Varian was the only place for safe harbor.

She had cried and cried and cried, who knew how long, and who cared?

She held onto him as tight as her exhausted arms could manage. The house shook with the power she was tapping down on, even in this form. Because she could well level the whole damn place in one fell swoop.

He feared the moon, and in a roundabout way, her because of how it destroyed so much of his home, and he was right to fear it, in a way, even if she hated that he did, even though she knew he wasn't wrong. She could be terrifying, not just because of October which had seen to showing everyone that. She was powerful, she was dangerous, she was very likely the monster in the tales of some of her enemy's bedtime stories. She was the other side to Chaos. But that did not make her any less terrifying.

For a moment, her crescent moon appeared on her brow, willing to answer her heart's sorrow.

But instead, she screamed.

She would apologize to his eardrums later.

It was... unclear how long she just LET herself be caught up in her sorrow and anger and fear and exhaustion, how TIRED she was of doing exactly that, throwing herself against the rocks when all she wanted was to live in peace.

She very nearly fell asleep with her head on his shoulder in her exhaustion when the screaming and sobbing subsided.

Usagi was trembling as she tried to catch her breath, her forehead still resting on Varian's shoulder and she was struggling to do much else but exist in that moment.]

Edited 2021-06-10 00:01 (UTC)

[Varian lets her break. He knows this has been a long, long time coming. As horribly painful as it is to watch her go through this, he knows she needs to do it. Better she snap now, with someone who won't judge her and will keep her safe than it happening out there- with a stranger or with something trying to hurt her.

It doesn't stop him from being worried though. It twists and bites at his gut because she's been carrying this for a long time and he really should have stepped in before then. He should have forced her to confront this before it got this bad. But he can't fix this with should haves- but he can be here now.

He winces at the scream- his eardrums are gonna feel THAT one for a while. He just keeps holding her tight, his hand moving to brush through the hair at the back of her head. It usually seems to help to calm Fern down, so he hopes it can help Usagi, too. He'll stay here as long as she needs him to, he's got nowhere he needs to be. He just stays quiet, letting her get it out of her system. ]

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