lightthedarkness | Deerington IC Inbox

[The hug is ringing all of Varian's alarm bells. This is wrong, this is dreadfully, dreadfully wrong. He's not sure if this is just one thing too much for her to handle or if this is something that has been building for a while. If Usagi has been taking on weight after weight and she's finally hit breaking point. He has a bad feeling that it's the latter and he's kicking himself for not noticing it sooner.

He hugs her a little tighter, raising his head slightly to watch Sunshine wander off. Max snorts, trotting off towards the garage, the siren-call of apples always a winner. Varian stays there for a moment, hugging her close, worry etching deeper into his chest. ]

C'mon. We should get inside where it's safe.

[When Usagi wants to hide all her problems and worries, she does. It helps that literally everything looks normal when she's Sailor Moon and she has been Sailor Moon a lot recently.]

You're right.

[She pulled him inside, the windows to her pink monster were all boarded up to prevent break-ins from the mist monsters and the paint was starting to peel on the walls inside and out, several shingles had fallen off the roof, and so while it was bright and still horrendously pink, it looked as worn as its resident.]

Sorry, there's not a lot of food, we've been donating a lot of it to others. [Since senshi were capable of literally going millennia without food and water.]

But we still have plenty of tea and we've got some rice leftover from last- no wait, uh, that was last week. [She waited for Varian to take off his shoes, already having slipped off her own and into her house slippers. She pressed her lips together.] Oh! Soup, we have soup. Do you like soup? I can reheat some.

[The state of the pink monster is more than a little concerning to him. Sure, everything in town is falling apart, but it's really driving home how unsafe they are. He'd consider carting her off to the Disaster House- which is at least protected by Fern's antler wreath - but he's not convinced she'd ever leave this place. ]

It's okay, Usagi, I don't need food. We have plenty. Fern can grow stuff on himself. Keep your food for yourself, you need it more than I do.

[You don't need to worry so much about food when someone in the house is made of grass, it turns out. That and Fern made a metric shit-ton of soup when he died that they're STILL getting through.]

Besides... I'm not here to eat your food. I'm here to check on you.

[She makes an idle gesture to her little strawberry plant.] Every time you pluck a strawberry, even all of them, they all grow back the next day perfectly ripe and big. It's one of the things I asked Sodder-chan for back in the day.

[She moved to sit on the couch, feeling a bit woozy and lightheaded but trying to play it off as just being lazy and ungraceful.]

I'm okay. [She's not.] I mean, as okay as you can be when the world is ending around you and there's literally nothing you can do to stop it even when that's all you've done your entire life! [She laughs forcefully at the end there.] It's fine, I'm fine. [It's good to be humbled.] I'm useful as Sailor Moon. So, I'm barely home and just off fighting monsters.

Oh yeah, I think I remember you telling me about that one. That is pretty neat.

[He folds his arms, looking very much unconvinced by this entire show. He knows a performance when he sees one and this definitely qualifies. ]

No. You're not fine. You're blatantly not fine. Come on, I can see that much.

I have a kimono as well, that wards off monsters and creatures. [She wears it when she's unable to muster up the energy to transform and needs to get food.]

A nap then, which is what you're to make sure I do. [She waves a dismissive hand.]

Maybe it's a good thing you're here if I nap, you can't be killed if you stay nearby while I do. [She's mumbling but he may very well hear. She takes a deep breath.] So see, you came and I will nap. It's going to be boring for you to watch me sleep, though. You can go home, Vivi.

That's good, that's really useful.

[He rolls his eyes skywards, before shifting his backpack a little.]

I'll be fine. I have some books to occupy myself with and I don't believe you'll actually sleep if I leave you alone, so you're stuck with me until you do. [He smiles a little.] Checkmate.

[He says he'll be fine, but she's terrified of failing in protecting him again. She only ever seems to keep failing the people she loves. A deep, sudden wave of anguish rolled over her and drowned her underneath.

Unbidden and unwanted, tears began to fall and roll down her cheeks. She wiped at them furiously until finally she just stopped and openly sobbed.

She manages to get out:]

I couldn't protect you last time.

[As Usagi starts to cry, Varian's smile abruptly drops. He moves quickly, pulling her into a hug- his usual reluctance around that dissipated in a second. She needs him right now and that's all that matters.]

Hey.

[His tone is gentle but firm. Understanding but not allowing her to tear herself apart for something beyond her control.]

That wasn't on you. Not at all. You'd been taken out, and I don't for even a milisecond blame you for- for what happened. What happened to me wasn't your fault, Usagi.

I can't protect anyone in this place, Varian. I keep... I keep FAILING. I either can't help or I'm the one hurting them. [It would be foolish to think she was "over" October, but she did her best to keep going on with her day, she had to. If she lingered, she'd spiral, and there would be no time to deal with the problems facing them if she did that.]

I'm terrified... [She whimpers out.] I just think if I stop, even just for a second, something will happen again, because it ALWAYS happens again, Varian. It never actually stops. You or Mako-chan, Rei-chan, Mina-chan, and every other person I love. No one is ever safe and I can't... I'm not strong enough to go through it again and again.

If it isn't the world tearing us limb from limb, it's each other.

Edited 2021-06-07 00:08 (UTC)

You haven't failed anyone here. That's... just not true.

[Usagi has done more than most people in this entire town has. He'd stake his entire existence on that fact. He knows she's been taking too much on his shoulders - that much was obvious from space- but he didn't realise just how bad it was until right now. How much she's been keeping inside, ready to boil over. And now it is.

His heart breaks for her, and he hugs her a little tighter- a little more desperately. ]

That's not your fault, you- you know that, right? This- Usagi, this place will do that regardless of if you take a break or not. That's just how this place is, you can't blame yourself for what the town does, that's... that's just not fair to anyone. No one here would want you to blame yourself.

[He knows he sure doesn't- the thought she blames herself at all for what Maul did to him makes his stomach twist in uncomfortable knots. ]

Usagi, don't- please don't blame yourself for stuff out of your control. All you're gonna do is destroy yourself, and do you think anyone who loves you wants to see you do that?

[She hugs onto him, trembling. This is not the first time she's reached her absolute tipping point, it likely won't be the last. She feels awful that, once again, it falls on Varian's head when it's reached, which is another brick of guilt added to her load.

It's cyclical, honestly. As soon as she acknowledges her trauma or problems, she feels awful for even having them, feels worse for "dumping" it on others, and then that adds to her problems all over again.]

I've spent... so many years saving EVERYONE. That's what... That's what I'm supposed to do. I've sacrificed myself again and again and again and if I could I would AGAIN for everyone here. [She sobbed.] But it doesn't work like that. This world doesn't work like that. It took that from me!

[And there it was, a piece she had kept locked up, a secret only the girls knew. They knew perfectly well what her powers were and were capable of. But in the end of ALL of this, when she wanted nothing more than to protect this world most...

She couldn't.

No grand last stand, no joining her powers with others and making a final push against the enemies.

She could face the literal being of Chaos and get brought to her knees by a child and her sadistic grandmother.

Usagi tries to pull away, to pull it all back inside. Some of the pressure has been released from the valve but she's clearly trying to tighten it all back up before more escapes, even as she remains at critical mass.

She's fine. She's fine. She's fine.

She's got her loved ones, they're safe.

What right does she have to complain about any of this when all she is is just tired?

Boohoo, you're tired, Usagi, so is everyone else.]

No... [The words are soft. It's not the most subtle, her trying to reign herself in. She's got to be stronger. She has to be stronger so she can protect her loved ones and keep them safe. There's no time for crying and tears and breakdowns.

The world is literally ending.]

[Varian's quiet for a moment, letting her unload. He's his feelings about her feeling the need to sacrifice herself abundantly clear- he doesn't want to push too hard on that and make here feel worse, but still... ]

It doesn't have to be your job here... you know that.

[It's said a little more gently than he usually is around that subject, but it's still firm. He'll never be okay with this. He holds her a little closer, exhaling softly, his hands moving to rub her back steadily, trying to soothe her. ]

Look. I understand that... that's a big part of your life back home. And I understand it's gotta be impossible to try to deal with. But I can't be sorry about you not being able to throw yourself against the rocks time and time again for the sake of other people.

[The irony was, Usagi wasn't always like this. She used to be 14 and only care about eating, sleeping, reading manga, making friends, and playing video games. She had complained ALL. THE. TIME. about being a superhero and demanding to know why SHE had to do it, why couldn't someone else.

But then she met the girls, Luna, Mamoru. She met people from across the very universe itself because of her powers and abilities.

And... yes, she had a whole bunch of trauma thanks to it too. She had to be the one to deal with it because she was the one who had the ability to. What did that say about her, having endless powers only to be like "nah" and letting those who sought to hurt and harm her home take control.

If you HAVE the ability to do something, you SHOULD do something, even if that meant putting your life on the line. It was no different than people who already did it, firefighters and coastguard and the sort.

There's something, maybe the words he says, maybe the way he holds her, honestly, she can't tell and she doesn't know.

But the pressure valve breaks.

She can't hold back the tears she had been so gallantly trying to reign in.

The flood gates were open, the waves of sobbing crashed against everything, and Varian was the only place for safe harbor.

She had cried and cried and cried, who knew how long, and who cared?

She held onto him as tight as her exhausted arms could manage. The house shook with the power she was tapping down on, even in this form. Because she could well level the whole damn place in one fell swoop.

He feared the moon, and in a roundabout way, her because of how it destroyed so much of his home, and he was right to fear it, in a way, even if she hated that he did, even though she knew he wasn't wrong. She could be terrifying, not just because of October which had seen to showing everyone that. She was powerful, she was dangerous, she was very likely the monster in the tales of some of her enemy's bedtime stories. She was the other side to Chaos. But that did not make her any less terrifying.

For a moment, her crescent moon appeared on her brow, willing to answer her heart's sorrow.

But instead, she screamed.

She would apologize to his eardrums later.

It was... unclear how long she just LET herself be caught up in her sorrow and anger and fear and exhaustion, how TIRED she was of doing exactly that, throwing herself against the rocks when all she wanted was to live in peace.

She very nearly fell asleep with her head on his shoulder in her exhaustion when the screaming and sobbing subsided.

Usagi was trembling as she tried to catch her breath, her forehead still resting on Varian's shoulder and she was struggling to do much else but exist in that moment.]

Edited 2021-06-10 00:01 (UTC)

[Varian lets her break. He knows this has been a long, long time coming. As horribly painful as it is to watch her go through this, he knows she needs to do it. Better she snap now, with someone who won't judge her and will keep her safe than it happening out there- with a stranger or with something trying to hurt her.

It doesn't stop him from being worried though. It twists and bites at his gut because she's been carrying this for a long time and he really should have stepped in before then. He should have forced her to confront this before it got this bad. But he can't fix this with should haves- but he can be here now.

He winces at the scream- his eardrums are gonna feel THAT one for a while. He just keeps holding her tight, his hand moving to brush through the hair at the back of her head. It usually seems to help to calm Fern down, so he hopes it can help Usagi, too. He'll stay here as long as she needs him to, he's got nowhere he needs to be. He just stays quiet, letting her get it out of her system. ]

[When she's little more than hiccups and little sniffles, she feels more exhausted than she's ever felt before, but she feels... well, not LIGHTER, but at least not heavy. She's currently just existing without stress or concern and it feels incredibly pleasant.

A long breath comes out, shakey but stronger. She pulls out a handkerchief from her pocket to wipe at her eyes and nose. She's silent for a long while, letting the emptiness such a scream and crying allowed to settle in her. The emptiness, wonderfully, wasn't filled with anger, exhaustion, worry, dread, or guilt. For several solid moments, she just got to exist with only an empty calm within her, the kind of calm that an empty room had; full of potential and ideas, but ultimately quiet.

She let out another breath, wiping her eyes again before reaching up to lightly rub Varian's ear, knowing she had just literally screamed into it.]

Sorry. [She whispered, hoarse.]

[Varian still waits, quietly just there for her. For what she needs, staying close even as she wipes at her eyes and nose. Only when she speaks, does he finally respond. His tone is gentle but firm.]

You've got nothing to apologise for at all. I- did it help?

[Worry seeps into this tone as he squeezes her arm gently.]

I- do you feel any better?

This is the second time I've had a complete break down on you. Kinda wish I didn't keep getting to this point.

[But here they were.

She leaned up and gently touched his ear, well aware she literally just screamed into it but hesitates to do any healing magic since everyone and their grandmother kept telling her "no, don't." And honestly, she didn't trust herself entirely at the moment not to go overboard or worse, in her exhaustion. So she lets out a breath and merely has her hand fall to rest on top of his.

Usagi gives a small nod.]

I do feel better. [She whispered, still rather hoarse.] I'm just... exhausted. [She finally, openly, admitted.] And I wish I could... I could do what I always do and just make things better, at least for a little bit but I can't.

[And not being able to is taking a lot more acceptance than most people realize. When you can always be the one to fix everything, and then CAN'T, it definitely strikes at your core in ways a lot of people aren't going to get. "You can't fix the world" is not a THING for Usagi when she knows she eventually very much DOES and continuously HAS against their enemies.

But not here, not in Deerington. She can't FIX everything.]

I'm just... constantly worried about what might happen if I rest, if I stop.

But I'm exhausted.

As opposed to the number of times I've had a complete breakdown on you? I think we're past keeping score here, Usagi.

[He'd actually allow the healing of his ear. It's just his leg he's touchy about- largely because he's terrified that whatever eldritch contract he signed in giving it over would reverberate onto Fern and his memories if he had it brought back. It's not worth the risk. ]

And it's okay that you can't. No one here is expecting this from you. Not a single person but- but you. And if I'm not allowed to run myself into the ground, then neither are you. Fair's fair.

It- it's literally on me to save everyone and has been, for so many years back home. I get hunted down for existing because of my powers. Here, either people don't know I have them or don't care... or both.

I guess I had forgotten what it felt like to not have that responsibility. [She frowned.] That probably sounds super egotistical, huh? Coming in and thinking you're the one who can save the day when all these other beings with just as impressive or more impressive abilities haven't yet. [A small self-deprecating smile appeared on her lips.

But her help is also constantly not wanted.

Maybe she should just... stop.

Maybe this world had no desire for any help from Sailor Moon, didn't need it, didn't want it. She didn't know.]

This must sound ridiculous.

But it's not on you here. And... I can understand how that would feel weird, like.. like maybe you don't have a place? Or... I don't know, like you don't feel like you're enough.

[Because that is a feeling he's only too familiar with. Feeling like he's never going to be what people expect of him. He's managed to learn from that, be a little less dependant on what others think of him, but it's still a ghost that nips at his heels from time to time.

It's clear Usagi's been carrying this for a while, and guilt churns in his stomach that he didn't spot this soon enough, didn't help her soon enough.]

I don't think it sounds ridiculous, Usagi. You're- you really are amazing, you've done things in your world that blow my mind every time you talk about them. And you're amazing here, too. You're one of the best people I know. [He gives her a gentle squeeze.] You not saving the day every single time or... or desytorying yourself trying doesn't make that any less true.

[When Usagi doesn't want people to spot something, she doesn't let them. She once holed herself up in her room for an entire week without ever leaving after the first death of Mamoru.

Though, that was also because her body had reawoken its Lunarian heritage and her hair was over 70 feet long and her body glowing, so.

She holds onto Varian, quiet for a bit as she tries to find her thoughts amidst the chaos in her mind.

She's so tired. She can't think straight, everything is too much or not enough. Her actions, her personality, her feelings, everything is in chaos within her. God, when did she last sleep? It was almost as bad as October. But then, that had been Deerington forcing her, this was her own self-destructive behavior.

She knew from experience she couldn't always save the day, and there were plenty of times she had massive setbacks back home. Chibiusa turning into Wicked Lady, Nehellenia putting the black curse in Mamoru's lungs, her whole Moon Kingdom just being destroyed for thousands and thousands of years.

She just had to hold out hope that this, all of this, this stupid mist and whatever was going to happen... would eventually set itself right. She had to believe that even if she could not believe in herself, that this wasn't the end. This was not the end. War and strife went on eternal, but... so did peace and kindness.

Even now, amidst all the monsters and horror outside her door, Varian was right here beside her, cheering her up and being by her side. Tears began to well up again but for a different reason.

She was a very lucky girl, she knew, to be so well-loved. She swallowed and squeezed onto Varian's hands again.]

I'm glad I have you. [She whispered.] I love you, Varian. And... will you... will you please stay while I sleep?

[Well. If there's one weirdly specific thing Varian has experience with, it's 70 foot of magical hair.

He stays with her, letting her calm down herself- he certainly doesn't interrupt until she speaks again. When she does, he squeezes her hands in return. ]

I love you too, and I'm really, really glad I have you. [Okay, she's going to get a hug for her troubles.] And of course I will. I'll stay as long as you need me to.

Did you bring pajamas? I know you have some clothes here still... it... might be a while.

[She really, truly did not want to be alone right now.]

[He smiles faintly, reaching down to pick up his rucksack, shaking it a little.]

I made sure to pack stuff. Just in case. Always be prepared, right?

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