lightthedarkness | Deerington IC Inbox

[When she's little more than hiccups and little sniffles, she feels more exhausted than she's ever felt before, but she feels... well, not LIGHTER, but at least not heavy. She's currently just existing without stress or concern and it feels incredibly pleasant.

A long breath comes out, shakey but stronger. She pulls out a handkerchief from her pocket to wipe at her eyes and nose. She's silent for a long while, letting the emptiness such a scream and crying allowed to settle in her. The emptiness, wonderfully, wasn't filled with anger, exhaustion, worry, dread, or guilt. For several solid moments, she just got to exist with only an empty calm within her, the kind of calm that an empty room had; full of potential and ideas, but ultimately quiet.

She let out another breath, wiping her eyes again before reaching up to lightly rub Varian's ear, knowing she had just literally screamed into it.]

Sorry. [She whispered, hoarse.]

[Varian still waits, quietly just there for her. For what she needs, staying close even as she wipes at her eyes and nose. Only when she speaks, does he finally respond. His tone is gentle but firm.]

You've got nothing to apologise for at all. I- did it help?

[Worry seeps into this tone as he squeezes her arm gently.]

I- do you feel any better?

This is the second time I've had a complete break down on you. Kinda wish I didn't keep getting to this point.

[But here they were.

She leaned up and gently touched his ear, well aware she literally just screamed into it but hesitates to do any healing magic since everyone and their grandmother kept telling her "no, don't." And honestly, she didn't trust herself entirely at the moment not to go overboard or worse, in her exhaustion. So she lets out a breath and merely has her hand fall to rest on top of his.

Usagi gives a small nod.]

I do feel better. [She whispered, still rather hoarse.] I'm just... exhausted. [She finally, openly, admitted.] And I wish I could... I could do what I always do and just make things better, at least for a little bit but I can't.

[And not being able to is taking a lot more acceptance than most people realize. When you can always be the one to fix everything, and then CAN'T, it definitely strikes at your core in ways a lot of people aren't going to get. "You can't fix the world" is not a THING for Usagi when she knows she eventually very much DOES and continuously HAS against their enemies.

But not here, not in Deerington. She can't FIX everything.]

I'm just... constantly worried about what might happen if I rest, if I stop.

But I'm exhausted.

As opposed to the number of times I've had a complete breakdown on you? I think we're past keeping score here, Usagi.

[He'd actually allow the healing of his ear. It's just his leg he's touchy about- largely because he's terrified that whatever eldritch contract he signed in giving it over would reverberate onto Fern and his memories if he had it brought back. It's not worth the risk. ]

And it's okay that you can't. No one here is expecting this from you. Not a single person but- but you. And if I'm not allowed to run myself into the ground, then neither are you. Fair's fair.

It- it's literally on me to save everyone and has been, for so many years back home. I get hunted down for existing because of my powers. Here, either people don't know I have them or don't care... or both.

I guess I had forgotten what it felt like to not have that responsibility. [She frowned.] That probably sounds super egotistical, huh? Coming in and thinking you're the one who can save the day when all these other beings with just as impressive or more impressive abilities haven't yet. [A small self-deprecating smile appeared on her lips.

But her help is also constantly not wanted.

Maybe she should just... stop.

Maybe this world had no desire for any help from Sailor Moon, didn't need it, didn't want it. She didn't know.]

This must sound ridiculous.

But it's not on you here. And... I can understand how that would feel weird, like.. like maybe you don't have a place? Or... I don't know, like you don't feel like you're enough.

[Because that is a feeling he's only too familiar with. Feeling like he's never going to be what people expect of him. He's managed to learn from that, be a little less dependant on what others think of him, but it's still a ghost that nips at his heels from time to time.

It's clear Usagi's been carrying this for a while, and guilt churns in his stomach that he didn't spot this soon enough, didn't help her soon enough.]

I don't think it sounds ridiculous, Usagi. You're- you really are amazing, you've done things in your world that blow my mind every time you talk about them. And you're amazing here, too. You're one of the best people I know. [He gives her a gentle squeeze.] You not saving the day every single time or... or desytorying yourself trying doesn't make that any less true.

[When Usagi doesn't want people to spot something, she doesn't let them. She once holed herself up in her room for an entire week without ever leaving after the first death of Mamoru.

Though, that was also because her body had reawoken its Lunarian heritage and her hair was over 70 feet long and her body glowing, so.

She holds onto Varian, quiet for a bit as she tries to find her thoughts amidst the chaos in her mind.

She's so tired. She can't think straight, everything is too much or not enough. Her actions, her personality, her feelings, everything is in chaos within her. God, when did she last sleep? It was almost as bad as October. But then, that had been Deerington forcing her, this was her own self-destructive behavior.

She knew from experience she couldn't always save the day, and there were plenty of times she had massive setbacks back home. Chibiusa turning into Wicked Lady, Nehellenia putting the black curse in Mamoru's lungs, her whole Moon Kingdom just being destroyed for thousands and thousands of years.

She just had to hold out hope that this, all of this, this stupid mist and whatever was going to happen... would eventually set itself right. She had to believe that even if she could not believe in herself, that this wasn't the end. This was not the end. War and strife went on eternal, but... so did peace and kindness.

Even now, amidst all the monsters and horror outside her door, Varian was right here beside her, cheering her up and being by her side. Tears began to well up again but for a different reason.

She was a very lucky girl, she knew, to be so well-loved. She swallowed and squeezed onto Varian's hands again.]

I'm glad I have you. [She whispered.] I love you, Varian. And... will you... will you please stay while I sleep?

[Well. If there's one weirdly specific thing Varian has experience with, it's 70 foot of magical hair.

He stays with her, letting her calm down herself- he certainly doesn't interrupt until she speaks again. When she does, he squeezes her hands in return. ]

I love you too, and I'm really, really glad I have you. [Okay, she's going to get a hug for her troubles.] And of course I will. I'll stay as long as you need me to.

Did you bring pajamas? I know you have some clothes here still... it... might be a while.

[She really, truly did not want to be alone right now.]

[He smiles faintly, reaching down to pick up his rucksack, shaking it a little.]

I made sure to pack stuff. Just in case. Always be prepared, right?

Would... you mind cuddling with me while I slept?

Of course, I wouldn't mind. [Varian is not much of a cuddler, but Usagi is absolutely one of the few people he never even questions getting that close. ] I can do that no problem.

[She smiled and pressed a kiss to his brow.] Help me get upstairs, I'm not sure I won't fall asleep mid-step. [She slowly moves to stand up, wobbling.]

You got it.

[One good thing about having a metal leg is that it's pretty solid and not prone to buckle. Still, Usagi's one of the few people here that he's taller than. He'll move to put an arm around her middle to help her towards the stairs. ]

I'll catch you if you decide to swoon dramatically.

I'm dramatic enough that I could. [She grinned as she made her way up the steep stairs. She made her way to the master bedroom, Varian's room just down the hall.]

Why don't you change, I'm gonna get in a kigu so I can really rest.

Trust me, I have noticed.

[He gives a little salute as he heads towards his room.]

Okay, no dramatic fainting or anything while I'm getting set.

[Usagi waved him off before she set about getting ready for... well, maybe not a nap, but whatever deeply needed rest she needed. She went through her usual nightly ablutions before changing into her black cat kigurumi. When she heard a knock, she was already in a better mood than when Varian had first come.]

Come on in, Varian.

[It takes Varian a little longer to get ready for bed these days, not because he has any special bedtime routines. Lordy, he's not Eugene with his six thousand skincare regimes before his head hits the pillow. For Varian, it's more the logistics of manoeuvring around the leg. It's something he's well practised in by now, at least.

Still, sleepwear is one of the few times that he acquiesces to modern clothing. Mostly because sleep shorts are so so much easier than actual pyjama pants with the stump and all. He has put the leg back on to walk to her room, though, because it's better than hopping around like an idiot. He is glad to see her in a better mood, and he raises his hand in greeting even if they didn't see each other that long ago. He steps inside, preparing himself for the full-onslaught of pink that is no doubt Usagi's sleeping space. ]

You look a little better.

[Usagi's room is indeed PINK. But it's also purple and white and covered in flowers and moons. It's clean and incredibly feminine. Rabbits, cats, and other plushes of various sizes from keychains to as big as Usagi herself can basically be found in every corner of the room, especially on her bed. Which is where Eclipse, her Mimikyu is napping.]

Scented face wash does and can work emotional magic. [She shifted and made enough room on the bed for Varian to join her.]

[Yup. If Varian had been tasked to guess what Usagi's bedroom looked like before he stepped into it, then this is exactly what he would have guessed. This exact room. He glances around and quietly nods to himself in a this tracks kinda way. He wanders over to sit on the edge of the bed, reaching out absently to pet Eclipse.]

I will take your word on that one. [He goes about undoing his leg, easing it onto the floor before swinging himself onto the bed proper.] That is not an invitation for you to spread goop on my face while I'm sleeping.

I meaaaaannnn, you JOINING me with for a relaxing honey, vanilla, and lavender face mask, our feet propped up in our most comfy robes and slippers with candles burning would reeeeaaalllly only make us both feel better and relaxed and help us recharge, don't you think? And that's what you want, isn't it? For me to feel better, relaxed, and recharged?

[He just gonna be squinting at her real hard.]

This feels like blackmail. A lot of blackmail. [Just putting that out there, sister dear. Then he sighs, shrugging his shoulders.] Buuuuut I guess I can live with it if it'd make you feel that relaxed. Only because it's you though, don't think I'd do that for just anyone here.

EEEEEEEEE! [Usagi pulled the mask cream jar from her kigurumi pocket, clearly having expected a yes. She immediately went over to her dresser and pulled out two makeup hairbands before she pushed back her hair with the pink and immediately, before Varian could argue, pushed his hair back with the blue.] Hair, check.

[She opened up the jar, spreading it over Varian's face in an even coat and then herself.] Mask, check!

[She then leaned back onto her bed and sighed in content, picking up her Fluid and turning on some music videos.] Music, check! We get to let these stay on for twenty minutes. It's supposed to harden, by the way.

Edited 2021-07-04 00:33 (UTC)

[The fact she already had the cream on her speaks volumes for his likelihood of getting through the night without this being dumped on his face. He manages a soft, frightened "gragh!" of protest before Usagi just immediately assaults him with a face product. Just immediately.

In hindsight, speed would be her best weapon here- not that he can exactly run away at this current time, but still. Before he knows what's actually happened to him, she's pushed his hair back and he's got goop on him. Just like that. He kind of sits there, blinking for a moment and resisting the urge to like... reach out and touch the stuff. ]

...They... harden? Is that- is that healthy?

[You very rarely, if ever really, deny her, Varian. She did somewhat anticipate you not about to start now when she's feeling exhausted and fraying.]

I mean, we're not talking into stone here, Vivi. Think like... [She tapped her chin, too tired to come up with an example. She waved a dismissive hand.] doesn't matter. It won't hurt us. I promise. I wouldn't do anything to actively hurt you, Vivi. You know THAT right?

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