lightthedarkness | Deer Country IC Inbox

[There's the sound of crashing waves in the background when she answers.]

I can't say I'm feeling great, no.

Whether he meant to or not, Maul basically said his anger and grudge meant more than I did. Like, yes, I matter, but not as much as his anger does. [If she sounds sad, it's because she is. She's trying not to be because Maul is a very... reactionary sort and reacts before he realizes the repercussions. Which, she GETS because she's like that too to a lesser degree.]

Edited 2022-02-09 21:22 (UTC)

[Sounds like she isn't at home right now.]

Yeah. Dunno if he means it, but that's what it looks like right now.

[It's disappointing and makes him more than a little angry. Usagi and Varian have gone to bat for Maul so much and all he's done is be ungrateful.]

Where are you? You want some company?

I don't know... it's hard to tell with him. He may just be... I don't know. But I want to hope this is all bark no bite, but I don't know anymore.

I'm at the beach. Just wanted to be away from all of it. Checked in on Willow, Luna, John, and Vivi and then silenced my Omni.

I won't say no to company.

Dude's rarely just bark. [As much as he'd like to believe otherwise, experience has told him Maul follows through on things.]

Okay, I'll be there soon.

[And he is! Thanks to Luca's lamp friend being out at the ocean. When he finds her he heads on over, and the first thing he's going to do is pull her into a hug.]

I'm aware.

[She's aware he's more than just bark. She's aware he's got a pretty vicious bite, too.

When he finds her, Usagi's hair is blowing wildly in the wind, the water is lapping at her feet as she stands just at the edge of the crashing waves. She can't even hear him coming over the sounds of the waves so she's taken by surprise when he hugs her.

For a moment she's still before her arms wrap around him and she lets out a breath. She's not crying. Her eyes aren't the least bit wet or red or teary. The pain and sadness she's feeling is... not meant for tears.]

Hey. [She smiles, though it doesn't reach her eyes, stroking Fern's back.]

[When Fern arrives he's very glad his boots are pretty waterproof. The ocean is still freezing at this time of the year, and having no body heat really makes being down at the beach a big downer. He has Luna's warming scarf wrapped firmly around his neck, and Eda's warming hat on his head, so he figures he'll be okay for a while.

It's surprising to see that she hasn't been crying. That either means she's really, really tough, or she's shoving things down, or he's being immature about crying being a good reaction to all of this. He isn't totally sure which it is, but he at least thinks the hug is a good idea.]

Hey. I'm really, really sorry.

[Usagi wants to be cold, she wants the cold waves to hurt her legs, she wants the cold wind to scrape her skin and send a harsh chill along her spine. She wants to be grounded by the pain because she's in her head and she wants to get OUT of it. She wants to not focus on the pain in her chest and head. She's not crying because some part of her is in shock, some part of her is numb, some part of her is so... fucking used to being hurt like this, she's an old pro at being destroyed by the people she loves.

Maul just doesn't have the ability to fall back on saying his corpse was reanimated and filled with evil magic, or that his body was twisted and altered by dark magic and brainwashed into believing only the most horrible lies.

But she's been hurt like this before, Maul isn't the first, he won't be the last. It doesn't make it any easier but the coping mechanisms become more fine-tuned.]

You know, I was apologizing for Maul a lot to John, Willow, and Luna... and when I came out here, I thought to myself... "Why am I apologizing when I'm not the one who threatened them?" then I realized, it was because I thought something I was doing would help keep them safe. That, while Maul's actions are his own, I stood beside him said "please be patient, he's doing better."

And look how wrong I was.

[She holds his face, smiling, feeling tears run down her cheeks.]

So I understand why you're saying sorry, Fern, even though you did nothing wrong. Because I'm doing the same thing.

[Fern opens his mouth to say something, maybe argue with her, but... she really has a point, doesn't she? Why is he the one apologizing for? It's not like he was some psychopathic murderer she and Varian worked on for two years only to throw it all out the window because it wasn't convenient. He isn't like Martin, Maul is.

He shuts his mouth and just nods, seeing the tears on her cheeks making his heart ache.]

... Guess we both need to get better at not doing that, huh?

[Don't apologize for Maul, that's sticking in his head like glue.]

Are you gonna be okay? What're you gonna do?

We definitely do, yeah. And... I'm trying. I'm not that good at it, but I am trying.

[She wiped her eyes, sniffling.]

I... [She took a deep breath and gestured behind her, to move out of the water and further up the beach to sit. After sitting down, Usagi drew up her knees to her chest. She rested her chin on her knees as she stared out at the water.]

I'm going to let him figure this one out on his own. Not that he's come to me asking for help.

[She took a deep breath resting her forehead on her knees.]

After that?

I don't know.

I'll be fine, though. [She looked up and over to him.] I think I'm going to stop telling people how much someone has changed for a while, though. Keep my opinions to myself.

After this, I don't think anyone would believe me anyway.

[It's reassuring to hear that she's trying. That's all anyone can do, here. He'll follow her out of the water, dropping down onto the stand and adjusting his magic scarf bit tighter around his neck.]

I don't think it was bad you and V put yourselves out there for him.... [If anything, it showed just how much they care about their friends.] And I don't think it should affect how much people trust you, 'cause it's like - [He gestures at the ocean.] - one time you were wrong in a whole ocean of times you were trustworthy.

But... yeah. Maybe it's not a bad idea to let the people you're helping be the ones to show everyone how much they've changed.

[She smiled and even snorted in amusement at the "whole ocean" of trust-worthy. She nods and closes her eyes. She can think of plenty more times she wasn't. But she lets out a breath.

She nods.]

Mnn... I guess I just wanted... I don't know. I wanted people to see- [She let out a breath and leaned back.] I wanted people to see what I saw. What we've seen. It... it's not just an ACT he's not THAT good at manipulating people, no matter what he says. [She rolled her eyes and then sighed.]

It's... [She sighed again.] but it's too much to ask everyone to ignore everything else he's done, to see past the spikes and rough edges. But if the rough edges have cut them, then why should they?

Don't think I believe that anymore. I've known jerks like him, and they're real good at acting like you mean the world to them right up until they don't need you anymore.

[Martin is coming to mind. As is Gumbald. He resists the urge to shudder and shakes his head. He doesn't want to think about either of them right now.]

He hasn't given anyone any reason to trust him and every reason to think he's being suspicious. Right now if someone does trust him, they're just being stupid.

I've known worse jerks than him who absolutely changed. [Much worse.] And I've known people much kinder than him who destroyed endless lives. Everyone is different, Fern.

But I'm not going to ask you to keep giving Maul chances, either. You have every right to cut ties with him. And I will respect whatever decision you make about him.

[She winces at his last comment.

Well, guess she's stupid then. Well, maybe not stupid, her trust in Maul had been lessened but not... zero.

She knows Fern is struggling right now, and she can't help but ask:]

Are you mad at me, since I refuse to give up on him?

He isn't them. He's his own person, and he isn't gonna change.

[He huffs a little, but at this point that's exactly what he's going to do. Why bother with someone who is only interested in being the absolute worst? He's going to spend his energy on supporting his real friends instead. Like Usagi, and her words are making him stop.]

No. [He scowls, folding his arms and kicking at some sand.] I'm worried. You're just gonna keep getting hurt for nothing.

You're right, he isn't them. [She leaned forward, moving to rest her forehead against Fern's.]

Thank you for worrying about my getting hurt. [Even if she didn't think it was for nothing.

Even if she became the last one to think it wasn't for nothing... or perhaps, the only one.]

I'm glad you're not mad at me. I think I could only handle one heartache today.

[He blinks a little, but will lean back against her in return.

He frowns a tiny bit, giving her a small nod. He'll always worry about Usagi getting hurt, and this mess with Maul is so serious he's worried she's going to get hurt really, really badly.]

You don't deserve any heartache, let alone more of it.

Ah... that can't be helped, unfortunately. [She gave an idle shrug.] Loving people and letting them in means you're bound to get hurt in some way. [She closed her eyes and smiled.] And I would allow myself to be hurt a billion times over before I stopped loving my precious people. [She opened her eyes and gently booped his nose.]

If we did not love deeply, then heartache could never happen, right? So I accept the heartache.

[There's a bit of a pout from him at that since she's right. Loving people isn't some perfect idyllic thing, though he does think there needs to be a line.]

I dunno, there's gotta be a limit. If I did that with someone like... like my dad, I'm pretty sure all he'd do is keep hurting me and I'd just ruin my life.

[That was something Finn had come to terms with in space, and something Fern has been while here in Trench.]

At some point you gotta protect yourself, no matter how much you care about them.

There is, and everyone's limit is different. Some people have incredibly high limits some people have low. Some have none. You have to decide for yourself where your line is. And if it's crossed, you have every right to cut that person out of your life or whatever you decide as a result of that limit being reached.

[She looked over to the waves.]

I suppose I have a very... VERY big limit. Maybe too big... but I'm really used to way worse. It doesn't excuse how much what Maul did hurt, but... it... I have worse things to compare it to and it falls short.

And that isn't healthy. [She offers, already aware it's messed up. Varian had made that ABUNDANTLY clear.] But there are people I don't forgive either. People I will never forgive. [And they're very fortunate that they are dead and not here]

[He certainly doesn't disagree with her on that. People need lines, they need boundaries. Letting Martin in time and again, letting Gumbald in - those jerks taught him that.

He gives Usagi a soft nod, glad that they're talking about this.]

I trust you on this. [He does, he really does.]

But I'm still gonna worry. [Because that's just what friends do, and this situation is serious enough that he's concerned she's going to wind up hurting herself trying to help someone as toxic as his father.]

You wouldn't love me if you didn't worry. [She smiled, gently nudging his shoulder.] That's part of the price for loving someone, you worry about them, for them. It's as much a part of the package as being excited for them, feeling soothed by them.

So thank you, Fern, for loving me.

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