lightthedarkness | Empatheias Inbox

[Killua's been antsily pacing on this for almost a couple of weeks. he doesn't know anything about this kind of thing, and he doesn't really have friends who know about this sort of thing either. his entire life just hasn't really been conducive to any intel on this—he struggles enough with regular feelings of platonic fondness...

but finally, Killua's made up his mind. after psyching himself up a bit, he sighs, knowing that this is going to be painful. but there's no one better, as much as Usagi is embarrassing and overbearing to Killua. but she really does seem like the best person to go to...

and they were friends, right? she'd said so, so plainly.]

Usagi. Do you have a moment? It's Killua.

[he sounds...uh. unnecessarily solemn.]

Ah, Killua, yeah of course I do! What's up?

—Well, um. You and your boyfriend have been together a while, right?

I realized I don't really have any friends who have experience with that kind of thing, maybe cuz we're all kinda the same age... but that's kind of a problem, cuz I...

[ugh!! why can't he just be straight forward and out with it? Killua sinks his forehead (already pink) into his hands, flustering in the privacy of his room.]

There's someone I like. But the situation feels complicated.

[Usagi doesn't tease him, he's clearly having a hard enough time without her piling on. She merely smiles and sends reassurance over the amulet.]

Yes, Mamoru and I have been together for several years. [And... well, centuries if you count past lives.]

Why does it feel complicated?

[Killua's shoulders sag ever so slightly with relief when she doesn't launch into teasing him; he's not surprised that she has that kind of tact, but also wouldn't blame her if she went for it. probably because up until Empatheais, Killua hasn't really had friends with such emotional tact...]

...Uh.

[damn. he feels like he'd thought about how he was going to explain that a hundred times, and his mind is suddenly blanking; there's anxiety born from the fact that it's a lot of vulnerable information, and said and done, he doesn't know Usagi super well. it's not that he doesn't trust her, it's just that it feels so improper with someone who isn't a super close friend!!]

Can you promise to keep it between us, if I tell you? I mean, this whole conversation, obviously, but... especially this part.

[Emotional tact is her specialty.... most of the time.]

Promise, cross my heart. Whatever you say I'll keep just between us.

[well.... she seems like the earnest type, so Killua manages to relax. slightly.]

...Okay.

Well... I'm... I guess the problem is that I technically like two people. I've had serious feelings for my best friend for years... He was here recently, but I'd put him out of my mind as a prospect a long time ago, because I think I wanna just be friends. For a lot of reasons.

Around when he arrived, I also began to get feelings for the first friend I made here, who happens to be my roommate—we were all living together. And...I think my roommate is aware of my feelings for my friend, who's gone now.

I think I wanna date my rooommate—since I've liked him for a little while anyway, and I'm pretty sure he's liked me for a little bit too. When my best friend left, we got a little closer when he comforted me... In a way that doesn't feel just friendly. But I don't want him to think I'm just falling back on him as a second choice, or that I'm making poor decisions out of emotional grief.

Even besides that, I... I don't know how to tell him. Or what I should do? I have no idea.

Mnn, that does sound a bit complicated.

But to start, it's okay that you love... well, like, more than one person. Some people like lots of people at one time, some people only one person, some people never like anyone like that and it's all perfectly okay. What's most important is that you be open, respectful, and honest with your roommate.

Let them know you like them, and have that open conversation that yes, you liked your friend, but that you had accepted you wanted to be just friends.

Ask him if he likes you too, but Killua, just... no matter the answer, good or bad, let your roommate know you'll respect their decision. That's the most important thing. Respectful, honest, and open.

...

[Killua flushes, dropping his head as he rubs the back of his neck. pretty straight forward—obvious in retrospect. just tell him, then ask how he feels? mortifying in theory—terrifying, even. but why? Killua feels like rejection would be awkward and painful, but he's not sure if he fears that.

ah. right. what he fears is—]

Yeah. I have no problem with that. No matter what he says, I'd be okay. I guess... maybe my worry is that... —I felt this way with my friend from home, too... but, I worry that it'll kill our friendship. I guess that's the problem with getting feelings for friends.

You know, like, liking somebody so much, that even if it's in that way, you might change things irreparably. Do you know what I mean? If things didn't go well, or we broke up for whatever reason...

I think beyond whatever he decides, that's what I'm the most worried about. And I've felt it before. It feels safer to not do anything, but I can kind of sense he's also at his limit, maybe.

Ah... yeah, it... sadly, can happen. Because once something is said, it's not like you can take it back. But ya know... just as scary as it would be about "what if we broke up" maybe think about "what if we didn't?" Something like this is scary but sometimes even if we don't say anything, our hearts give us away.

If your roommate is already catching on, they may catch on you're holding back and getting the wrong message, that you aren't saying something for the wrong reason.

But if you're scared of the what-ifs, just think about your friend and roommate. Are they the sort to just... abandon you because you're being honest with your feelings? Would they make fun of you for your openness?

[oh. jeez. Killua hadn't even considered that. Blue's anxious awareness, perhaps misunderstanding Killua... how could Killua expect anything else, in retrospect, when he has no idea what he's doing? when he hasn't been sure of his own intentions until so recently? oof.]

...No, of course they wouldn't... [Killua chews his cheek a little, furrowing his eyebrows. Blue can be flighty in the face of emotional hardship, but he's loyal, too...]

I don't think that... but I guess I have no idea what to expect; I've never had feelings like this before, and I suddenly am dealing with it twofold! Not that my life was ever boring enough for me to even be worried about it, before...

[Killua makes an exasperated sound out loud, probably carrying through the crystals, as he scrubs his hands through his bangs.]

Also, I hadn't even considered he might be totally confused because of my hesitation and stuff...!! But that seems obvious now that you say it! Damn it!

Hey hey, it's okay. You're new to this, it's okay that you don't know. This kind of stuff, if you've never dealt with it before, you won't know to look for it.

Killua-kun, it's okay to not know. You know now, yeah? I'm sure it's not so bad that a good serious talk can't help you both figure out how you both feel.

Ugh, yeah... Y-you're right.

[his ears burn with embarrassment from her reassurance, and moreso that they actually soothe him. he feels some of the tension leave his body as he rolls his head to the side, sighing.]

We've had some pretty serious talks in the past, anyway... I just gotta get my nerves together and think about how to say stuff, I guess.

[just thinking about it, Killua's heart races; his anxiety is likely a palpable ripple through their connection, and he takes a deep breath to steel himself a little.]

Thanks. I really do appreciate you talking with me about this. Even though it's embarrassing for me...

Well, practicing in a mirror never hurts? Or write it out and just see what your heart comes up with!

And it's no problem, Killua-kun, I'm always happy to help my friends.

That's even more embarrassing!!

—Ah! Wait, that reminds me, there was another thing... Um. If he says... yes... We're roommates, so... Is that bad? I don't know a lot about this stuff, but I feel like usually... when people start dating... they aren't like, you know, already moved in?

[very Fast, he worries...]

Lock the door in your bathroom, that way no one but you will see. Or burn the letter after you write it, if you're worried about him finding out before you're ready.

Ah... well... um... I mean... you live together but do...hooo boy Um, just so we're clear, are you worried about living together because things will go too quickly or...? [Is she going to have to give "the talk" again?]

No way!! That's still so embarrassing. Ugh.

—Huh?

[what Usagi may actually mean might have just totally gone over Killua's head...]

Maybe... I mean, it's not like I don't wanna be serious with him anyway, but...

[what a weird thing to say out loud. wow.]

Well, it will probably help all the same, right? What could it hurt?

And... um, let's be a little more clear. What is it you're actually worried about?

Oh, er. I guess like—like you said, moving too fast... Usually when couples get together, they don't move in with each other right away, and we're already sharing an apartment at square 0!

...And to be honest... My friend from home and I... the one who I also like a lot... I guess cuz we lived together for a couple years, basically, and went through a lot of stuff together... So we became pretty codependent, and I couldn't see it right away. Even worse, before I saw that for what it was, I... s-sort of liked it that way.

So... that's why I'm worried...

[Killua's too ashamed to bluntly admit that it wasn't healthy, but he hopes he's more or less at least illustrated as much. he became pretty quickly addicted to feeling depended on, to where he put himself in so much harm's way to chase that feeling...]

Well, yes, but you're already in a unique situation to begin with. Would you move out or make him move out if he does return your feelings? You can't think about what other couples do as a... starting point, Killua-kun, because no one couple is the same. So for some, yes, living together at the beginning is going super fast. But how long have you already been living together? Are you going to suddenly stop?

If living together as a couple does make you uncomfortable, then that is what matters, not what is or isn't too fast by some... fake standard of dating. If it feels fast to either to you, then yes, maybe moving out is the question, but if it feels the same...

As for the codependency thing, well, you're aware of it, so you can be more on the lookout for those behaviors now.

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