lightthedarkness | Empatheias Inbox

Usagi... Can we talk?

[Usagi had given Anakin his space, partially because he made it clear he was mad at her, and partially because she wasn't going to be any help while she was also under the affects of the missing crystal. Then things just... spiraled.

And then there was Leia's announcement and she wanted to reach out to Anakin but she didn't know if he wanted her to reach out to him.

Well, this answered that question.]

Ah- Anakin! Yeah of course!

Thank you.

[ He considers his words for a moment before replying. ]

I want to apologize. For how I acted and everything.

I forgive you. You were under the effects of... whatever it was. So was I.

But.... you're not... still considering being a Sith, are you?

[ This makes him think for a moment. ]

...the Jedi aren't perfect. They have flaws and... Those flaws are leading to their destruction. I understand that now. I already prove that I make a poor Jedi, but... I don't think I can be a Sith either.

Maybe I do have to try and explore some middle ground for myself. I've always been made to believe that Light and Dark are the only options. But if between black and white lies an entire rainbow of colors, there must be more here too.

I agree. The Jedi aren't perfect. I can't really agree with any order that says you can't marry. [And it's not just because she runs a wedding planning business.]

I think, this is good for you. And I'll help you out as best I can. If... you want it, I mean. [His last comment still stung.]

Thank you. Your help would be greatly appreciated. I know I'm not always... Easy.

As much as I don't want to cause trouble for anyone, keeping myself in check isn't something I always manage to do. This is why I need to find a way to work with my emotions, not against them.

[ Which is why he needs the Dark Side as well. It relies on emotions. ]

Well, I love you. I'm not about to abandon you now.

But, I wasn't... kidding, when I suggested maybe you shouldn't be a Jedi, Anakin. And I don't mean that you can't help people. I know you admire Obi-Wan-san... [To the point that his being crystalized sends you into a ranting, raving, downward spiral...] but why is his way, the Jedi way, the only way to interact with the Force for you? And that doesn't mean being a Sith or turning to the Dark side. It has to be more than just those two things, life is more than that. We are beautifully flawed creatures, you, me, and yes Obi-Wan-san and everyone else here. So the Jedi are too, so are the Sith.

And no, you're not always easy, but I didn't exactly go into our relationship blinded by goodness, no offense.

When we first met, basically the first words out of your mouth were "I need to kill someone."

Do I think you'll willingly go back to that dark of a place again? No.

But I also think you need to stop giving yourself these ultimatums about how you need to live. And also expecting that every problem in the world, never mind the galaxy can be fixed by one person or a group of people. Trust me when I say from personal experience, it's not possible.

[ He sighs. ]

Usagi... All of this may make perfect sense to you, but believe me when I say... It's complicated.

I was raised to uphold certain laws and rules and fulfill expectations placed upon me. If you were trained to use the Force, you were expected to chose one side.

That's how things work in my galaxy. And just because it sounds easy to you to just overthrow it all doesn't make it easy for me to do.

[ Jedi and Sith, they're basically religions, you see? ]

I'm trying to find my way regardless.

Yeah yeah, it's always complicated. [She sighed. She was serious, but that didn't make it any more enjoyable to hear.]

Alright so... one side, Light or Dark and... no in between. [Look, she's used to overthrowing things, but she's also the most powerful thing in HER galaxy, she gets to do that.]

Alright, so what do you want to do, Anakin? [This is not the first time she's asked him this question, it won't be the last.]

[ Meanwhile he's not the most powerful thing in his, just the most powerful Force user. And yet Anakin remains a simple human being. ]

I don't know. I thought I did, but I don't.

I know i can control both, but I don't know if I should.

[ Mortis. Mortis had proven that he could bring Light and Darkness to their knees. The circumstances were very different ones, however. ]

Well, here is an easier question then.

Rather than "should you" which one makes you less likely to hurt someone else in the long run? And I don't mean the Dark side lets you and the Light side doesn't. I mean, which one doesn't cause you to have a breakdown because you try to live up to the expectations of it?

[ Wow, Usagi. You sure ask some heavy questions... He sighs. ]

Usagi... I'm still trying to find that out. I don't have all these answers right now.

Every time I tried to make quick decisions, things only got worse.

[She does that.]

And... it's good to take things slow and consider everything, Anakin, and while I don't know what sort of position you're in, I do understand that all this can make you... feel angry or trapped or upset.

But I wonder if it isn't just... quick decisions that make things worse?

I usually trust my feelings when it comes to making decisions, but seeing how many of them have been turning out badly, that may not be the best path for me after all.

[ And he wonders if he had allowed the Force to direct him subconsciously by not stopping and thinking things through. That's what believing into the Force means for a Jedi after all, doesn't it? Anakin is more used to letting himself fall into the Force and entrust himself to it during battle, but maybe... Maybe a lot of his poorer decisions have also been influenced by the Force itself.

Because everything is the will of the Force and all that... And yet Anakin hates to blame anyone but himself for his mistakes. ]

I'm working on holding myself back more and... Patience. Obi-Wan will appreciate that. I can't always try his patience after all.

It's not that following your feelings is BAD, I don't think... but maybe opening up about what your feelings say can help too. I mean, you are open with me, but there's also plenty I don't know going on in your head. It doesn't have to be me, though... and no offense to Obi-Wan, maybe not always him either. Give yourself a group of people to rely on and talk to, Anakin. Back home, I would always talk to the girls or Mamo-chan if I was having trouble. [Most of the time.]

You're passionate, and passionate isn't bad. Wanting to kill people? That is bad.

But Ahsoka left, Usagi. Padmé isn't here and Palpatine... I don't think I should have trusted him as much as I did.

[ He sounds bitter. Next to Obi-Wan, those were the people he used to trust most. ]

Master Yoda left as well and Master Jinn... I don't think he wants to deal with me anymore.

[ That's what he's taken from Obi-Wan's words. That, and the feeling that their shared former master abandoned them both. ]

There aren't many left I can turn to.

[ Usagi, Apple, Jyn, Ezra, Orson... And after that warning, who would even still be willing to listen? ]

And I don't want to kill anyone. I wasn't entirely myself when I arrived.

No, I don't think you should ever, EVER trust someone who says "kill someone," Anakin.

[She thought that was sorta a given but hey.]

There aren't many left from your world, but there are plenty here, Anakin. I know you're better with droids and machines, but if the problem is that you keep losing people from home, than try others who aren't. I would have never survived as long as I have emotionally and mentally if it weren't for Sora.

And you have me, I don't really plan on going anywhere, haven't yet. Find others who aren't from home... which.... yes I know Leia-san's post doesn't HELP but it's not like everyone listens to everything everyone says all the time here.

...I guess I'm lucky to have you, Usagi.

[ Yes, he appreciates your support. ]

You guess? [The tone is teasing. She's not insulted.]

But that isn't what I meant. There are other people here.

You mean I just need to meet them.

[ And not drive them off somehow right away. Not everyone would get over the first impression he left on Usagi as well as she has. ]

Yes. Which means the next time I throw a party, you come, and more importantly, you socialize. No running off just because Leia might or does come.

I.... I'm not making any promises.

[ Especially after hearing that Leia might be there. ]

Anakin... [She knows both of them, having the exact same temper, would tell her to stay out of it, though she wants so desperately to help. But she can also see both sides, in fact, now knowing more of the whole picture, she even relates better with Leia because she knows she'd be just as caught and torn if a young Beryl or Diamond showed up here, having done terrible things in their future and constantly showing signs of being those people.

But she knows Anakin is struggling too. She knows that Anakin is trying...]

That's fine. [Is all she says, not voicing any of her other thoughts.] I'm not asking you to.

Thank you, Usagi.

[ And there really isn't much more he can say at this point. But he's glad they talked. ]

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lightthedarkness - 2017-10-27 06:51 (UTC) - Expand

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