lightthedarkness | Prismatica Inbox

[Usagi tapped her chin in thought.]

I guess... maybe three months, more or less? At least since the festival with the parade, in any case.

Long enough to've had some bad moons, then. I'm sorry, you seem like a really sweet person.

[Kerra makes a face, staring down at her hands.]

Just, so you know, I was staring because my moon's going on right now, and it's pretty bad this go. Not like the first one, I basically blacked out and don't remember that one at all.

...Forgive me for that.

Ah yeah. I've had way worse but it was never a monthly problem. [She blushed when Kerra explained why she was blushing and glanced away.]

There's nothing to forgive. [She smiled as she looked back to Kerra.] I'm flattered, and I don't blame you. Staring never hurt anyone, right? [It's when it's acted on that becomes difficult.]

No, but I should be better. Jedi aren't supposed to act like that, or this.

[Nervous, jumpy, afraid to offend.]

Girls are a bit of a weakness of mine. And boys. But I've not really had a ton of opportunities to act on it until I woke up here. This planet's so weird, and it's really gotten under my skin.

Jedi? What's a Jedi? I mean, besides you being one, obviously.

[Affraid to offend, yes, but that's because she wants to try and befriend everyone.]

Well, that's okay to like both! Is that why you're upset, you don't think you're any good at it?

Warrior monks trained to use The Force. A...kind of energy that gives us supernatural powers. We're sometimes called Jedi Knights. From what I know of Earth, we're a lot like your idea of them...assuming I haven't misjudged you as an Earthling.

[Kerra sighs and leans forward a little.]

I'm bad at controlling myself, and I should be better. But I'm also afraid that if I don't let myself go here, when I return home, I'll never have the opportunity again. Jedi are supposed to be above emotion, attachment, anger, fear, lust, all that. Because we're out there to protect people. So, we have to be that example.

Edited 2019-07-08 01:45 (UTC)

AH no no, not misjudged.

[Not the whole story, but not misjudged.]

Um, if you don't mind my asking, you're human, right? Even if you're a Jedi? Humans are emotional beings, you're basically trying to be more than yourself. And that's okay, but being just human is okay too, isn't it?

Does being a Jedi mean you should hurt yourself, though?

Completely human. Though, not from Earth. My dimension, world, reality, whatever you want to call it has developed interstellar travel. I've been to dozens of planets.

And, no, not entirely. Being a Jedi doesn't mean hurting myself, it means being better. For other people's sake.

[And here's the rub.]

...See, where I'm from, things are really bad. A group of evil people who can also use the Force, called Sith, have pushed the galaxy onto the brink of collapse. There's no time for me to have any sort of distraction.

Oh... I'm sorry, I guess even if different dimensions or galaxies or... yeah, whatever you wanna call it, that kind of thing never ends either. There will always be darkness where there is light. I think it's amazing that you fight them, Kerra-san.

But why does... why does stopping yourself from feeling what you want to feel make you a better person? It just... kinda sounds like the more you're denying yourself the more you keep focusing on it.

Because that's how the Force works, Usagi. The Force isn't good or evil, it's just the Force. Giving in to emotion, letting your self control slip too much can lead down some dark paths. If I let myself slip too much, then the Dark Side of the Force can start to hold sway, and I'd become more like the Sith.

[She shrugs her shoulders, and just spits it out. No reason to hide it, and it feels good to let some of it out, even with a relative stranger.]

I've already spent two years waging a one woman war against the Sith. I've nearly tipped over the edge a couple of times, done drastic things to stop them. So, I have to step into anything slow, just to make sure I don't become a problem for everyone around me.

Oh... that sounds... so sad, because I'm a stronger person and able to do so much because of how strongly I feel my emotions, because of all the people I love and who love me. I don't think I could ever bring myself to not feel something, feeling emotion, it may mean sometimes giving in to anger, but it means giving in to love and hope too.

[She tilted her head as she looks to Kerra.] If the Force isn't good or evil, why would feeling something make you turn to the Dark Side, if you have to live your life not feeling anything, not making any connections... well, I guess that makes you better than me, Kerra-san, I could never live a life like that, and would never want to.

Who is forcing you into anything fast?

Erosion of restraint leads to more reliance on emotion, which taps into the baser instincts of the psyche. Being angry means I'm more likely to do things on instinct, with the Dark Side. It's...easy...to slip into that, when you've brushed it once. Imagine knowing that you have a way to solve all your problems, to take care of the things causing problems for everyone you care about. That's what the Dark Side is like. A well of power always there, whispering.

We aren't forbidden from experiencing emotion, though. I think...maybe I'm not explaining this too well. It's more not keeping hold of ourselves. Allowing ourselves to slip, even a little.

Which is exactly what the Moons here do. The influence of them changes how I feel, makes it more and more difficult to keep my control and makes me more aggressive. That's...skirting close to the Dark Side, in some ways. Nobody here is forcing me into anything, but the moons are making it difficult to find the balance I should have.

Um... Kerra-san, I know you said you aren't forbidden from it... But it sounds like, you either don't experience any emotions or every little bit of it could cause you to slip to this Dark Side.

It... kinda sounds like you're afraid of losing control, and fear is an emotion, but it seems to be the only emotion you have. If you at least... I guess if you at least focused on something else maybe you wouldn't be afraid anymore?

Moderation, Usagi. All things in moderation.

[She shakes her head, letting out a reedy sigh.]

I'm not shaking in my boots, and I do feel other emotions. I am glad to have someone to listen, and that's an emotion. But I'm concerned that the moons are going to become a problem. I intensely dislike feeling like if I don't find someone to fuck like four times a day then I'm going to start acting out for several days out of the month.

You know how hard it is to focus during the moon cycles, I assume? Have you not done things you wouldn't ordinarily do to stop the pressure?

[Perhaps it was because they had ONLY just met, and this was their first interaction so Usagi's sampling size of Kerra's emotional state was small, but it felt like she was feeling way more than she should be according to this thing.]

So then, you could have lust in moderation, right? And anger? I mean, trust me I know... [She blushed deeply at Kerra's question, looking away with a small nod.] I-I get it, but I-I find that it's... well, for me, it lessens when...

It's more intense, the more I try to ignore it. [She manages to get out.] Maybe... it could be the same for you?

Maybe. And I apologize.

[Kerra shakes her head, not looking directly at Usagi. She knew what she'd said was probably not a comfortable thing to hear. She should not have asked that last question, and she knows it.]

'course, that would involve me having a clue how to go about that stuff beyond hookups. I haven't...as you can imagine...exactly had much opportunity for anything more than quick get-togethers, at home. I haven't really had much of a life at all outside of fighting for the last couple of years, even for that. It's a real shitshow.

Beyond hookups? So you want a relationship? [She just wanted to be sure?] Well, it's... not too different from this, really. You go get food together, you have open conversations about feelings and hopes and dreams, and even silly things about how you feel and what you like to do.

You do things together like see movies or concerts or parks, you just try to be there for someone as much as you can and be the support they need and they support you in return.

It's like friendships but with extra attached, sometimes you can only tell them something that you'd never tell anyone else.

Um, does any of that help?

I want to try, while I can, I guess.

[That's just it. she doesn't completely know what it is she wants.

But she does want something. Even if it's temporary.]

And yes, it does. It's very basic, but it helps to be reminded what people do outside of the Order.

Pretty sure who's ever in charge of picking Jedi would take one look at me and go 'nope' so you can definitely trust me to be outside of the Order. [She joked.]

But I'm glad I could be some help, Kerra-san, and you can always come to me for that sorta thing!

Most likely. You're too old to train, and you don't...well, I can sense that you don't have the potential anyway. I think it's unique to home.

[Which, is definitely true.]

Regardless, thank you.

So, what does it take to have the potential to be a Jedi? What is a Jedi trained to do?

And I'm happy to help! Everyone needs someone they can talk it out with sometimes.

To sense and manipulate the Force. But it's something you have to be born with the ability to feel. It's not common at all.

That's okay, sounds cool though. What can you make it do? the Force I mean?

Oh. A number of things. Mostly extra senses, but I can make myself stronger and faster, or move things with my mind.

[To demonstrate, she reaches out and plucks an apple from a nearby tree, floating it on over to Usagi.]

See?

[Her eyes widen and she lets the apple just hang in mid-air for a moment. She waves a hand back and forth above and below it but nope, no wires or nothing or little robots holding it in place.]

THAT'S SO COOL! Can you do it with bigger things? Like buildings or cars or people or even whole planets!

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